Letting Go

Jessica does a lot of letting go in On Black Wings. I could have went the heroic route with the main storyline and made everything better in the end, which for one version of her ends up being the truth, but I didn't. I didn't feel it would be honest or true to my vision. Nor would it be true to the way I felt about the message. In a world where you lose control, people often end up broken and shattered, and they have to pick up the pieces.

She needed to discover herself, and not the self she knew when she started the book. Her future self's story was done, and it was fascinating to have that to reflect on throughout the series and always come back to. Then again, how could she let her life go? Her husband, and her children? There is an element of pre-destiny I played with in her younger self reacting to her older self's decisions, like her younger self was trying to fix everything in her older self's life.

Of course, she isn't too successful at it, and she ends up sabotaging herself quite literally. There's a point there where she gives up in a way, at least in trying to directly influence the outcome of her older life, and she switches focus on her current plight as her younger self. It is an important break, and she gets treated quite harshly by the survivor of that incident, she pulls inside, and then she gets angry. She vows to help from afar at that point, even if it is just to herself, her relationship be damned.

She gets further and further from her older self as the book goes on, and there a catharsis in that. Like with any traumatic even, the pain dulls, but you always keep feeling it. Same here, she loses her family (first literally, then they are well in another timeline, and then emotionally), and she continues on always caring, but the things she can do or even has the energy to do dwindle with the merciless ticking of time.

There is a scene where she meets another family that is a pivotal moment for her letting go. Through helping others, she realizes the world is bigger than her, and she starts to take on the mantle of a hero for the first time. It's not about "me" anymore, it's about "us" and she realizes her role in the world. The book turns here, and she starts to build herself into someone who matters, even though she lacks control of her current situation, she is on a progressive path of change and self-actualization.

It's an important thought, even though we don't have control of our current situation and we never know what the next day brings, we can still be positive forces in the world.

Through saving others, she begins to take positive steps. Not all of them end up being helpful, but she goes from being a victim to a damaged heroine who deals with her current situation the best she can. Things don't magically get better, but through willpower and positive direction, things can improve. We still live with the damage, some things we still need to let go, but we are in a better place than when we were lost in total darkness.

I loved this progression to her. She feels like 'damaged goods' - but in a way we all are, dealing with loss and life, heartache and things we can do nothing about. She gets by as best she can, but there is a beauty to that journey, and one we walk with her as she adapts to her new life alone.